Writerings

Saudi Arabia is currently pumping millions and billions into sport. Partly golf (which well, meh), but also football. As agreed by everyone who isn’t receiving one of those petrodollars, this is a bad thing. As one of those people I also agree, though I think football is on a slippery slope, Saudi money or not. 

My concern is that football is becoming too professional. Footballers are now finely tuned machines, constantly monitored and tinkered with. Commodities. And not just those that make it. Football academies suck up thousands of young players with only a few making the top. And those that do have to sacrifice lots. Alcohol, fun, personality. To hear young footballers talk, football is the new puritanism, sport as religion. Compare to fags and Bovril at half time in the old days.

I’m aware that the age of footballers as normal blokes has long since passed. But it could get worse.

The England football team YouTube channel posts a video from every training camp of footballers reporting for duty and saying ‘you, good’, ‘yeah, I’m good’. These rack up thousands of views and have viewers rapt. And I admit to being one of those. 

When sport becomes too professional it takes itself too seriously and forgets that it is an entertainment product. Fans want to see characters not robots. Even when they are villains, we love to hate them. Like them or loathe them, sport would be less entertaining without the Robbie Savages, Joey Bartons and Kevin Pietersens of the world. Roy Keane gets some stick for being mock-disgusted at the hugs between top rival football teams these days, but he is onto something. Sport only matters if there is a narrative, a reason to care.

James Milner may be an exception to this as (mainly thanks to the parody account) he has a reputation for being so intensely boring he becomes interesting again.

While players turn beige, we cling to other narrative points. Players come and go, but the team remains. There is a Seinfeld bit that as sports fans all we’re supporting is a jersey. It is true to a point. Almost everything can change. Although, I guess Spurs will always be Spursy.

With national teams there is a wider collective story wrapped into it (as anyone who has heard the Engerland fans sing ‘Two World Wars and one World Cup’ at the Germans can attest) . I wonder therefore whether a world cup of amateurs would be as fun to watch? It certainly wouldn’t make a difference to the blokes in the pub every 2 years who wonder aloud who the hell this Bellington is. Or how about a Hunger Games style competition where a squad of 23 random citizens from each country are sent to compete for glory. If any organisation is evil and dystopian enough to consider this, then its FIFA. Today I feel Panemian.

So if Saudi Arabia wants my advice, then they should invest some of that money into writers and acting coaches. Give footballers character arcs. Get the Love Island producers in there.