Writerings

I like a good conspiracy theory. They make excellent pub-chat and were lots of fun back in 2015, before they became dangerous and terroristy. For me, they are particularly fun when they combine or contradict into a super-conspiracy.

My own super-conspiracy that I am wanting to push is that no animals are real. They’re all fake and this can be proved purely by extrapolating from existing conspiracy theories. So far, I believe I am the only person to connect these dots, so let me fill you in on this here. Wake up sheeple! (Although based on this theory, sheeple aren’t real)

Firstly, the Birds Aren’t Real is a conspiracy theory that is meant to mock real conspiracies. Their reasoning is that all birds are actually drones created by the CIA to spy on people. However, it is as inevitable as the Earth is flat that before long, people will genuinely believe it.

Some scientists also believe that there is no such thing as fish. This is more of a classification issue, no-one is yet disputing that salmon exist, merely that they shouldn’t need a separate genus (I think this is right if I remember my GCSE Biology). 

Obviously, we’re all familiar with one of the OGs of the conspiracy world in that the Royal Family and other prominent people are all ‘lizard-people’. Putting aside the anit-Semitic undertones aside for a second, I think this proves that we really can’t trusts lizards either. They are clearly the alternate forms of our current and future leaders.*

For those keeping count, that leaves mammals and amphibians. The amphibians don’t have long left, thanks to the fact that the CIA is turning the frogs gay. At least that’s what the nice Welsh lady on The One Show says. Unless IVF reaches the ponds and marshes of the world, the amphibians are on their last generation. Cherish newts while you can, they’ll soon be as quaint as a dodo.

So mammals, and this creates the toughest challenge. What angle to go with? Perhaps furries are to blame? Where do the animals like hedgehogs really go when they ‘hibernate’. Could the Birds Aren’t Real conspiracy expand? Cats and dogs would be ideal spies. In fact, I doubt it will be long before you can stick an Alexa inside an animatronic taxidermy. I think for now we’ll have to accept that they exist, but watch out for foxes, badgers and polar bears. Because they’re watching you.

*I know not all reptiles are lizards. But would you trust a snake or a crocodile?